The Parental Power of "No"

As parents, we often find ourselves trying to provide guidance to our children in a difficult culture, filled with societal pressures and conflicting values. Regardless of the current culture and pressures, there is one historically effective parent tool that stands out and it’s the power of saying "no" and meaning it.

I was fortunate to grow up under the guidance of my mother, a dedicated middle school teacher,  who enforced this principle with incredible strength and discipline. She recognized the importance of setting clear expectations for her three children, particularly during our adolescent years after going through her divorce and having to establish the rule of law on her own. She made it clear that family, education and help in the house were non-negotiables. Although I did not like it at the time, she established herself as the unquestioned authority and always meant long-term good with her decisions.

In recent conversations with some of my colleagues who serve as school principals, I’ve become surprised about how difficult it has been for them to establish basic discipline and policy follow through. One recent example is the struggle to implement a no-cell-phone policy (all schools in our Diocese follow the policy). Despite the clear benefits of limiting distractions, many parents, swayed by their children's desires, hesitate to fully support this rule at a couple of our Catholic schools. Instead of reinforcing boundaries at home, some are hesitant to say "no" when their children request to bring their devices to school.

This is one example that reflects a broader cultural shift that many of us witness in our own homes. Children, even as young as second or third grade, are demanding cell phones, social media access, and other privileges not appropriate for young children. The line between parental authority and child entitlement has blurred. Children, as well as us, are living in a world of instant gratification. Even telling yourself no is extremely difficult due to the addictiveness of the instant gratification.

I can recall my own adolescent years, when I would frequently challenge my mother’s authority. Whether I was asking for my own cell phone (probably a pager back then), asking to attend a different school, or trying to get out of my household chores, her response was always a firm "no." She was an incredible disciplinarian and had no trouble establishing non-negotiables . While I hated it at the time, I now recognize the lessons and discipline she imparted. Her consistent use of "no" was a major learning lesson for me to become a more fully responsible adult.

In today’s world, children are literally taught at a young age lessons of entitlement and instant gratification. The power of "no" is more important than ever. As parents, we must set limits, enforce expectations, and emphasize long-term human development over instant gratification.

Saying "no" is not withholding love from our children. Rather, it is one of the most loving things we can do as parents. By setting boundaries, we are giving our children the tools they need to become responsible citizens and future parents. 

I will pray for the strength of our community to continue to do what has always been right and good. Please pray for me!

-Scott Czarnopys, Principal